


Illness

by larry_stylinson_oops



Category: One Direction
Genre: Depressed Louis, Fluff, Larry fanfic, M/M, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-01-26 12:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1687994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larry_stylinson_oops/pseuds/larry_stylinson_oops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has an illness. Or depression, if that’s what you'd prefer to call it. Maybe even indefinite sadness. But Louis likes "illness," because like he always thinks illnesses are cured with 1 of the 2 choices, medicine or death. For Louis those are the only options for "curing" depression. So yeah, illness sounds about right. And then there’s Harry, Harry meets Louis, well actually he watches Louis from the back of English.Harry watches the way Louis looks down at his paper, fringe brushing across his forehead and eyelashes fanning across his cheeks, and maybe that’s a little cliché but so what. The thing Harry loves the most is that talent Louis mastered of blocking everyone out, not really, that was sarcasm. Harry mastered the talent of sarcasm if you must know. Anyway, Harry likes to think they could have a lot in common, if Louis would just talk to him. But Louis doesn't talk; he doesn't need too. He has his thoughts and his music and his books. No interest in talking or love or sex or whatever it is 'normal' teenagers are interested in. Harry just wants to change that, no matter how impossible it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Depression, Silence and a Little Bit of Stalking

They say Louis has an illness; it’s not a ‘cough, I’m sick’ kind of illness. No, this illness starts small but slowly pulls you deeper and deeper into the dark pit that is your own thoughts. Have you ever been in the ocean and had a wave crash over you? You roll under the water, under the mercy of the wave’s power until finally it allows you up to breathe. This illness is like that, only it’s a continuous cycle. You’re under its mercy, only allowed gasps of breath to slowly ease the burning of your thoughts. They call this illness ‘depression.’ Some people don’t like the term illness, but he did. Louis realized that all so-called illnesses are cured by 1 of the 2 choices, medicine or death. People told him love could cure it, but he didn’t believe that.. The only thing Lou believes about love, is that it is something that could take away the pain, not cure it. He believes you find someone whose demons play well with yours, someone that numbs the pain like the razor does. But once that person leaves…. who’s there to take the pain away? That thought alone closes Louis off to people; he doesn’t want to find ‘love.’ In all honesty, he’d rather be alone. His parents and therapists never seem to understand that so they decide its best for him to attend school. Louis doesn't understand why he needs school, just as much as his mom doesn't understand why he prefers being alone (he'll tell her one day, in a note, that being alone is better than being in a room full of people who don't understand him.) He doesn't have anything he plans on doing with his life, what talent or worth does he have to offer the world? School is just a waste of his and everyone else's time. Teachers call on him to answer questions, but he's too busy with his face in a book and ears plugged with earbuds to care what they're asking. Louis isn't dumb, he knows what he needs and aces test. Studying is a good pastime to clear his mind when he doesn't have a book to read. Then again so is his razor, but mum took his last ones. So studying is what it is for now. 

  These questions and thoughts circulate through Louis' mind on a daily basis, his therapist told him that speaking about his thoughts may help. She was also the therapist that told him "maybe life isn't for everyone." He only believed one of the two things she told him (hint: It wasn't about speaking.) There was another person that believed Louis should talk more, that person was Harry Styles. Harry liked to watch Louis when he was bored in English (that was every class, but who has to know?) He liked to watch the way Louis bit his lip in concentration, the way Louis nodded his head along to the beat of whatever song was playing through his earbuds. Harry likes to think Louis listens to the Rolling Stones and The Beatles, but also to Blink-182 and The 1975. Maybe he liked to think that because he listens to those artists, and maybe he has the slight hope that he and Louis have a lot in common. What Harry likes most about Louis is how courageous he is. At least _Harry_ thinks he has courage. Anyone who gave up on life but is still surviving has courage. You couldn't change Harry's mind on that no matter how hard you tried. You also couldn't change the fact that Harry pines over a boy who doesn't want to be loved.

  Harry's friends told him to get over it, told him that sitting in the back of class "studying Louis" wouldn't magically make the boy fall for him. Harry knew it wouldn't make Louis fall for him, but watching did allow Harry to get to know Lou a little better. Harry knows that on a bad day Louis chews his pencil and reads Will Grayson, Will Grayson. He knows on a better day, Louis reads The Book Thief and may even say "hi" to the teacher. Knowing this means that Harry can choose a good day to speak to Louis, he didn't care if it was a one-sided conversation, he just needed to speak to the small boy. So today as he walked into B123, he prayed to whatever god there was that Louis would be reading The Book Thief. And apparently there was no god because Louis wasn't reading The Book Thief, instead he was chewing his pencil and pulling out Will Grayson, Will Grayson. Harry slumped back into his chair with a loud sigh that had everyone turning their heads, Harry just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest (so what if he was pouting? He had the right to, didn't he?) 

  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were days of Louis chewing his pencil, but on Friday Louis said "hi" to the teacher and even left one earbud out. Harry could of squealed with joy, but that would have crushed his "masculinity" so instead he walked calmly - excitedly- to the desk next to Louis'. Harry smiled softly at the boy and decided that "Hi, I'm Harry" was the most appropriate thing to say, Louis' eyebrows were practically hidden under his feathered fringe at this point and he only nodded as an answer. The curly haired boy couldn't help the way his features changed to that of disappointment, but there was no giving up now, he pulled a pen and piece of paper from his bag and wrote "I know you don't like to talk, I think that's very brave of you, but I'd really like if you allowed me to at least sit by you." Louis read the sentence and couldn't help the small smile that spread across his lips, yet he wouldn't allow himself to say -or write- anything back. Speaking to this very attractive and apparently very sweet boy would mean more smiles and smiles lead to friendships and friendships lead to 'love' and love leads to pain.  Yet, something about Harry interested Louis, maybe it was the fact that no one really tries talking to him (that's how Louis wants it but maybe Harry can be different. Maybe.) Louis took a chance and looked up at the tall boy, he took in the features of the boys face, he resisted the urge to run his hands through the curly hair and was that butterflies he got when the boy looked back at him? Harry smiled when he met eyes with Lou's and Louis found himself smiling back. And okay Louis does like green eyes, he also likes the fact that small fish could probably swim in the dimples decorating Harry's cheeks. In return, Harry liked the blush that was now decorating Lou's cheeks.

Days upon days were spent like this, blushes and dimpled smiles but no speaking. Harry was patient though, he knew Louis was fragile, it's not hard to see how broken someone is once you look into their eyes. Liam and Zayn still figured Harry was insane, still told him that he was pining after a boy he had no chance with. Harry still didn't listen, still didn't care what they said, they were wrong before and he would show them that they were wrong again. Little did Harry know, Louis thought he was crazy too, which is a bit ironic coming from a boy who medically has a 'mental illness." Louis just found it crazy that Harry was still trying to talk to him, multiple therapists had given up on him, but the giddy junior was still trying. There was things Louis didn't know either, like how his therapists gave up because they lack one thing Harry doesn't; hope. The thing,Harry saw what Louis didn't see in himself. Maybe thats why it's a great thing Harry watched Louis from the back of English. If given the chance, Harry can tell Louis all the things he sees that Louis doesn't. If Louis can see what he never did before, than he can escape the darkness that is his mind. If he can see the escape through the rolling wave that drags him down then there is no longer a need to gasp for breath for relief from his burning thoughts. 


	2. Broken Glass

I could say Louis walked home with a certain skip in his step, that he was happier, that he walked in his house and greeted his family with smiles and "how was your days?" But that would be a lie, because you can't go from sad, quite and closed off to smiling, happy and laughing. There are books and movies where the most broken person is suddenly whole again because they met the person that would show them love. Naive. You have to be naive if you think that something broken can be fixed so easily. I guess that makes Harry a little naive because he still thinks that if you drop a glass it can fixed with glue, what he doesn't realize is that you will never be able to fully repair that glass, there will always be cracks.

 Louis did walk home, he did walk into the house and shoot a small smile towards his mother, but she has come to see that not all smiles are real. She has come to see that Louis' smile will never meet his sad eyes. Louis is lucky in that sense, lucky that his mother sees what some mothers choose to deny, yet Louis can't bring himself to explain to her why he is like this. How do you explain something you don't completely understand yourself? The only thing Louis understands about the way he feels is that its consuming, that he would rather be dead than deal with another day. There's no way he could explain that. Part of Louis wants to sit down and write out his feelings, they may come out jumbled and hell they'd probably sound crazy, but it might ease the crushing pain of keeping it all inside. Another part of Louis likes the idea of leaving a blank note, empty of words, just like him. Louis won't do that though, not yet.

Settling against the headboard of his small bed, Louis was once again left alone in the confinements of his room and his thoughts. He used to cry, he used to curl up under his covers and let the world fade away as he drifted to sleep. Now, he can only stare blankly at a wall and feel himself shatter into even smaller pieces. He thinks that one day he may be able to just blow away, he'll break into such small pieces the wind will pick him up and take him around the world. Before he was so against the thought of love, Louis sometimes wondered what it would be like to have someone hold him through this, to keep him grounded and never let the wind take his shattered parts, but Louis also wondered if his broken pieces would cut the one he cared for. Thinking of this brings images of the curly haired boy back to his mind, Louis would be lying if he said that didn't scare him. Who wouldn't be scared? If you had built walls big enough to sustain hurricanes, if you'd blocked everyone out and pushed away anyone who came close, wouldn't you be scared of the one person you couldn't push out of your mind? A mind is a dangerous place to be, it holds all thoughts and you're trapped with them forever. So when someone's image is seemingly burnt into your mind after sitting next to them for 45 minutes, I think you would be scared too. Yet, when Harry sat down beside Louis the next day, Louis didn't turn him away. And when Harry wrote "hi, thanks for letting me sit next to you," Louis even wrote back "You're welcome." Seeing Harry smile, and watching the dimples form in his cheeks made it worth Louis' time. 

 Hours. Days. Weeks. Months, they all go by the same to Louis. Wake up. Get dressed. Leave for school. Come home. Shatter. Sleep. Repeat. But after sitting next to Harry for a few weeks, and now not only exchanging small smiles and blushes but notes too, Louis feels a little less like life is an obstacle. He still has to pull himself out of bed in the morning and he still stares blankly at his bedroom wall, but the pieces he loses every night are sometimes taped back when he sees Harry. It's not love though, not love, just notes. Harry will write a comment on a blank sheet of a paper, and Louis would write back. Louis thinks its the only page he'll ever fill with words. Harry doesn't press for actual words though, not yet..

 Harry now knows that Louis' favorite color is white, because it reflects light. Like Louis does. Harry knows that Louis' favorite food is pasta, for no reason other than "it tastes good." Harry also knows Louis doesnt listen to The Beatles or the Rolling Stones, not even The 1975. He listens to Marina and the Diamonds, and Harry would be lying if he said he knew who that was. Harry found himself falling harder and harder for Louis and Louis found his definition of love becoming more and more true, if this was "love" then it is most definitely something that takes away the pain. Louis is far from fixed, he will never be fixed, you are only naive if you think a broken glass can be glued together without cracks. But Louis no longer feels lifeless when Harry's lanky body sits next to him in B123. Louis is far from in love with the idea of love, but maybe he has found it. 

 

 


	3. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a warning, there is major self harm in this chapter.

"Why don't you talk?" Louis read from the paper pushed in front of him. Louis saw this question coming, he knew Harry would ask sooner than later. He's sure a lot of people want to know. A lot of people won't find out, but Harry doesn't fit under 'a lot of people' anymore. So Louis explains that if people cared enough about what he had to say then they could listen to his music and read his favorite poems. But no one cares and honestly neither does he, fore it's easier to ignore the people that will never understand. "I care. What's your favorite quote?" and that has Louis' heart skipping a beat (Louis mentally smacks himself for even thinking "my heart just skipped a beat," because no it didn't, no he is not 'fangirling over a boy. No.) Before he can think Louis is speaking, " 'What is depression like?' he whispered. 'It's like drowning, and seeing everyone around you breathing.' That's my favorite quote." 

 Just as quickly as Louis opened his mouth, it was closed again. Harry's, however, was left agape.  "You spoke" he said dumbfoundly. In reply Louis wrote "Some things are worth saying." Harry understood now, or at least thought he did, he could never truly understand something he hasn't been through. Harry only realized that Louis felt that what he had to say was not worth the effort. This made Harry want to hold Louis, hide him from the world so he'll never feel pain again. Harry wants to pull Lou from the water so he can breathe with everyone he's been watching, but instead Harry just say's "everything you say -or write- means so much to me." Harry knows it's cheesy, but does he care? No, because Louis' whole face has turned red (let's face it, people don't get a "rosy tint" to their cheeks when they blush, they look like tomatoes,) and he even kisses Harry's cheek before rushing out B123 as soon as the bell rings.

 Louis goes through the rest of the school day thinking about his actions, wondering what the hell possessed him to do it. He thinks that he was so overwhelmed that the little affection he had in him came pouring out in a thing called a 'kiss.' No matter how much he'd like to, he won't deny the fact that the kiss made his stomach turn in knots, or whatever that feeling was. He's smiling actually, thoughts of Harry make him do that quite a lot. It's like when he thinks of Harry, a fog is lifted and he's free; free from feeling pain, free from feeling alone, free from feeling drowned, he's almost okay when he's with Harry. Then he realizes, Harry is his new razor. A razor he's addicted to, and one day Harry will be taken away from him, just like when his mother took the blades. Suddenly, Louis isn't smiling anymore. No, now he is scared and panicked. This leads him to being excused from last period and rushing home to curl up on his bed, sobbing for the first time in months.

 His body wracks with it, like every emotion is gushing out, he can barely breathe. It's like he's really drowning, gasping for breath and gripping to the sheets to stop himself from sinking. After minutes of this, Louis pushed himself off his bed and scrummaged through his bag, finding purchase on a pencil sharpener. It took him a while to stop his hands from shaking, but he soon unscrewed the blades. He sat down in a tub and dragged the metal across his thighs, hips and wrists, only stopping when he felt his breath return. Louis looked at the pool of red he was now sitting in, finding it ironic how he felt like he had been drowning and now was sitting in water. Normally Louis would pull himself from the bath to clean and bandage his cuts, but he couldn't find the strength. Louis figured it was time to give up now, he never really expected to be okay, no one expected that of him. He let out a weak laugh at how quick this had happened, if this morning he had been asked to pick a day to die then he wouldn't of said 'today.' Yet, with Louis when something happens no matter how small, his whole world breaks down. Sometimes he is strong enough to pull himself back up, but today is not one of those sometimes. Louis didnt cry, but he did panic slightly, the panic came from wondering how his family would cope. He didn't want them to blame themselves, but he was too tired to pull up now. He finally had feelings for someone, but he didn't have to deal with losing them if he was dead. So down he sunk, deeper, deeper...

 

 

 

 


	4. Goodbye Peace, Hello New Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got a bit long..

Just when Louis had found peace, he was pulled from it. He had been okay with death, no fear or regret, he was dead inside anyway. But here he was, hands restrained to a very uncomfortable bed with only his thoughts and the smell of hospital to keep him company.  Louis wondered why the room was all white and why it smelt so clean, the world is not clean, its filled with hate and sadness, none of which are sanitary for a mind. He also wonders why they don't paint the room colorful and bright, but then he realizes that most people in these rooms have blank minds and dulled feelings, they mimic the walls. Louis makes a mental note to thank the doctors for their small amount of understanding. What Louis would like to understand is why he is alive. The last thing he remembers is a loud shriek before being yanked from the pool of red he was ready to drown in. He'd blacked out before he could see who pulled him from the oblivion awaiting him, yet he's fairly sure it was his mother. Louis doesn't know if he's happy to be alive, because people are always telling him "there's no coming back," but he can't decide whether or not he wanted to come back. 

  It's been a few days since those events, and he'd almost forgotten why he had shattered so completely, then the cause itself shyly walked into his room. "Hi, um, you didn't, well you didn't come to english and I didn't uh see you walking around school, so when I saw your mum, she has your eyes so I took a lucky guess and uh well it was her, and I asked her where you were and she broke down, sorry for that by the way. Anyway I told her who I was and she said maybe you'd want to see me. I really wanted to see you."

 Louis had never seen Harry so flustered. It was honestly quite adorable, and slightly annoying, if Louis were to speak more often then he'd of rolled his eyes and asked Harry to get on with what he had to say. But it was mostly cute, and Louis realized that if he had died then he would of never seen the curly hair or dimpled smile again, which made him almost okay with the fact he wasn't dead (of course he was almost okay, Harry was in front of him.) Louis' thoughts don't ever stop with the positive though, you'd be stupid if you think that life only hands out the good, Louis also reminds himself that he almost died and lost the chance of ever losing Harry to someone else. So here was again, stuck with the dilemma of being happy for life or sad for the loss of no death.

  Louis was snapped out of his thoughts by a raspy voice, if Louis was like normal teenagers he would have been turned on by that voice, but he didn't have time for something as meaningless as a boner. "So, is it okay if I sit and talk to you? I brought paper and a pen."  And Louis didn't reply for a good five minutes, because he was still trying to find out if he even wanted to be alive, but when Harry's question was finally answered it wasn't with a "no." The thing is, Harry cleared Louis' mind of everything, when they were talking it was exactly that, just them. No interruptions of dark thoughts or pressing feelings in his chest, it was just Harry's deep voice and Louis small hand writing in reply.  So Louis figured that if he ever wanted to feel sane in this hospital bed, Harry would have to be beside him, starting now. 

Harry didn't want to push for why Louis was in here, well for what had caused him to try and take his life, but Harry didn't have to be persistent to be obvious. Louis could practically see the questions itching to be asked, so he answered the inquiries before they were inquired. It's funny how two boys who believe no one understands, understand each other so well.

 With Louis's answers, came Harry's heartbreak and as Harry's heart broke at what Louis said, it also swelled at the thought that Louis never wanted to lose him. The two were so different, Harry yearned for love and Louis was scared of what it meant, yet both cared so deeply for each other. Harry asked what Louis proposed to do about him, if he would like Harry to stay with the promise he will never intentionally leave, or if Harry should leave now and let Louis figure himself out. And as Louis cried at the thought of Harry leaving, Harry got into the bed and held Louis close. Louis let himself be held, let himself be be put back together with words that weren't exactly "I love you," but promises that meant close to the same. They were promises to keep him safe, to hide him from the pain of the world and the pain of his mind. They were I love you's with much more meaning.

 This is what Louis needed, and Harry knew it, part of Harry thought he needed this too. Harry needed someone to hold, to make promises to, and Harry needed someone who he could show the light. Harry is so in love with the boy cradled in his arms, Louis can speak volumes without a voice, Louis is so broken but still finds room in his shattered pieces to find affection for Harry, and that makes Harry's lips break into a smile and press a soft kiss to the now sleeping boys' forehead. Harry makes a vow to gather all Louis' pieces and put him back together, no matter how long it takes Harry will be there. He knows that he can never truly fix Louis, he has learnt that there will be cracks and those cracks may break every so often, but Harry promises himself that he will always be there to help repair the brokenness that is Louis Tomlinson.

 The two boys cuddled with each other in the small hospital bed, no words were spoken but a certain peace and understanding settled over them. When visiting hours were over Harry reluctantly got out the bed, instantly missing being squished with the other body, and he cooed over the little whine Louis made in his sleep. Harry pressed a quick kiss to Louis' forehead and much to his displeasure, he left the room. Harry reminded himself he could come back the next day and the next and the next until Louis was okay again. Those thoughts gave him enough willpower to drive home. 

 

 


	5. Colorful

Harry was in Lou's hospital room everyday for at least 5 hours, the doctors occasionally allowed Harry to stay over night with him, seeming as Louis slept better when Harry was there. It'd been 2 weeks since Louis was first admitted to the Physiatrics Ward, and now a doctor comes to talk to Louis everyday. The beauty of the doctor visits was not that it was helping Lou, that certainly was not the case, but it had caused Louis to start speaking up. See, Louis figured if he had to sit through an hour and a half of a doctors' depression lecture, then he sure as hell wasn't going to sit quietly and be told things that were untrue, as Louis has said before "some things are worth saying." Harry quite enjoyed sitting through these lectures. You could say he was a nuisance, laughing every time Lou got sassy (every answer) but Louis wouldn't even look at the doctor if Harry wasn't in the room, so Harry was allowed to stay. Harry remembers the last lecture quite well..

_"Louis, you've been here for a week now and haven't even tried to give me good answers, I would just like to help."_

_"And did you ever think that maybe I just don't want your "help?" Or can you not think that simple, does your doctorate stop you from having any common sense?"_

_With a sigh the doctor continued, Harry did admire his patience. "No Louis, I have common sense and I've realized you may not want my help but you do **need** my help." _

_Louis had chuckled then, and Harry found himself wanting to hear that sound over and over again. "Oh I see, so having a doctorate just makes you assume that everyone needs your help? Someone's been stroking their own ego."_

_The doctor had soon lost the calm look on his face, but continued on anyway. "Mr. Tomlinson that is quite enough. You are here because you tried to take your life an-"_

_That's when Lou had lost it. "Oh really? Because I thought I was here due to my extreme happiness and strong security with myself. Mr. Doctor, I do realize that I seem crazy and I do believe that I have an illness, because I am not ignorant. I do not need you telling me that I tried taking my life, or that cutting and not speaking will only hurt me. I also do not need you telling me that "this will get easier." I have been told my whole life that things get better, but I wouldn't be talking to you if that was the case. You, like many others, must believe that you can 'cure' me with some medicine. I believe that death was my only option. So if you think that you telling me what I did, or that me answering your questions will help, you are wrong. Stop wasting your time beca-_

_"Louis I don't nee-"_

_"Do I sound finished to you? I do not believe I do. You wanted to know how I feel so shut up and listen. Just because you went to some fancy school and received a paper stating you as a doctor, does not mean you understand how it feels to be depressed or suicidal. It does not matter how many times I try to explain to you how I feel, it will never be enough, and that is why I stopped speaking. There is no point trying to explain something that no one ever understands. When you feel worthless so do the words that come out your mouth. They feel like nothing. Why would my words have meaning or worth to the world? And of course we have the issue of cutting, see cutting is like a breath of air. Do you understand what I mean doctor?" Louis had known what the answer would be, he wanted his point proven, it felt good to have his voice heard and he wasn't stopping now._

_"No, Louis I don't. "_

  
_"I figured as much. I meant that depression is drowning and cutting is relief, your breath of air. And you will never understand that, and that makes me happy for you because no one should have to feel that. Ignorance is a virtue in your case."_

 

 

 Harry had been happy Louis spoke up, and although Louis won't admit it, he is relieved to have that off his chest. Louis wasn't suddenly fixed though, he still had many broken pieces, he'd just found his voice again. Harry liked talking to Louis about his favorite songs and poems, they would talk through the night about what each lyric meant to them, it had become their thing. Harry said one time "song lyrics are like our "okay? okay." from The Fault In Our Stars. Like our Always." After Louis had smiled, he proceeded to smack Harry's arm and warned him to never use TFIOS quotes again or relate that book to their relationship, it was cheesy and wrong. Louis' sassy and playful side was new and rare to see, plus Louis referred to them having a relationship and that made Harry smile like the idiot he tends to be ("idiot being used in the most affectionate way of course," as Louis now says.)

  Harry was the best person Louis could have, they were complete opposites but they worked so well together. At night, Harry would look at their intertwined bodies and think how perfect they fit together. It was like they were the last two puzzle pieces fitting each other's lives together. They may be only 17, but they understood each other better than anyone else did, and if Louis could feel so deeply sad, who's to say he can't feel so deeply in love. And yeah, he's admitted to even himself that he loves Harry. He still doesn't completely grasp it, still won't say it, but when he's by Harry's side the world is a beautiful place. Louis once thought that it'd be great if your life was black and white, then when you meet your "lover, life suddenly bursts into color. He also figured that once your person dies or leaves, your world goes back to black and white. Louis has finally found the person who brightens his world, he's no longer naive so he does worry about the world turning back to black but for now he's content with the colors. 

 


	6. Birthday

 Louis has never been big on birthdays. What's the point of celebrating another year closer to your death? Louis understood wanting to be closer to death, but didn't want to celebrate it. But here he was, allowing Harry to fawn over him, Louis only allowed it because Harry had talked the doctors into allowing the restraints on his wrists to be removed. Apparently, what Harry wanted to do was hover above Louis and run his hands over Lou's torso and arms and through his hair and wherever else, it was like he was worshipping Lou's body. In reality Harry just liked to love on Louis, he felt that if he loved him enough, he could piece back together the shattered parts and fill in the rest of the cracks, which wouldn't happen but he liked to try. Harry's hands squeezed Louis' sides and said boy let out a squeak, with a smirk Harry proceeded to tickle the smaller boy beneath him just to hear the giggles and squeaks of protest.

 This is how they worked now, small giggles and smiles, not a lot of speaking but more than usual, a lot of cuddles and a lot of kissing (that's mostly Harry's fault but there's 2 mouths that do equal amounts of work.) Harry's favorite thing to do now is sneak in before visiting hours, okay maybe he didn't exactly sneak in, the nurses just really liked him (his charm) and allowed him "easy access" to Louis. Anyway, he would come in and wake Louis up with either a soft shake or a tickle if he was feeling especially cheeky, each time there would be a new breakfast food. The first time it was hot donuts from the small bakery Harry worked at, the 2nd time it was croissants from the french pastry shop down the street, and the 3rd time it was crepes from the same shop. This morning he had brought tea and Louis' favorite blueberry crumble muffin. Bringing in this food wasn't exactly allowed, Lou's doctor said he needed to keep Louis healthy not fat, but Harry had huffed and asked "You're not much of a doctor are you? At least not for physiatrics. Louis is meant to be kept happier, and if eating food other than this hospital shit makes him smile than so what if he gains a few extra pounds, you bastard." Needless to say, no one complained about Harry bringing in food anymore.  

 Louis calmed from his giggles and Harry removed himself from the hovering position over Louis, but not before pressing a kiss to Lou's forehead and whispering "I have a surprise for you, a few actually." Harry swears he almost passes out when Louis looks at him and for a moment there was no sadness in his eyes, only excitement and that made everything Harry's ever said or done worth it. The complete excitement soon faded and half was filled with sadness, but it was okay because Harry was now leading Louis out of his room (bearing in mind he hasn't left this room, barely even left his bed, for 2 weeks,) and Lou was a little shaky but Harry was there. Always there. 

 Louis soon realized that the hall was empty, except for the few nurses behind a desk, they were alone. "Um, Harry? Why are we just standing in a hall?" Louis asked with a raised eyebrow. But Harry didn't respond, only took off his shoes and slid down the slick hall in his socks, chuckling when came to a stop. Louis couldnt help but laugh along. "You're kidding right?" the still standing boy in a hospital gown inquired, and maybe he really wanted to try it but at the same time the only thoughts he could really make out were "don't do it, you'll fall on your butt" "do you want to look like an idiot?" "you won't even slide, fat things bounce."  Before Louis knew it, tears were slipping down his face and he cursed himself for ruining every happy moment. Harry walked quickly to Louis and hugged him. "Don't cry, although your eyes do turn a very pretty blue with tears in them, c'mon I'll help you." Louis wondered how Harry always complimented him, no matter the situation. He wanted to make Harry happy, so he pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind and slotted his hand with Harry's larger one. They slid down the hall together and Louis' laugh had the nurses peeking around the corner, but Louis was just happy to not have bounced. 

They continued the little game until the sun was setting in shades of yellows and pinks outside the hospital windows. Louis was currently sat at the end of the hall, and Harry being the dork he is, crawled from his spot against a different wall to Louis and left a kiss to Lou's button nose. "C'mon Lou, got one more surprise for you." But nope, Louis didn't get up, instead he made grabby hands for Harry and demanded to be picked up, claiming he was too tired to walk. And who was Harry to refuse? So he picked up the whining boy and tickled his sides to just be an ass, then proceeded to carry Louis down the halls to a small room decorated with tiny lights and a candle lit table in the middle, 2 chairs on either side (the ones that spin, Harry didn't exactly have much to work with.) He put Louis on his feet and watched as the boy's eyes widened and he his face broke into a smile, which Harry always enjoyed seeing.

"I know it's not much, but they wouldn't let me take you out," Harry said and he felt a bit of remorse for not pushing harder to get Louis out of this hospital, but Louis just giggled and wrapped his arms around Harry's neck.

"You've obviously not kept up with The Fault in Our Stars, I expected to be in a fancy restaurant drinking champagne by now. Get with it. " Once Louis realized Harry had taken him seriously, he just smirked and continued with " I'm joking you dork this is cute, and extremely cheesy, but I love it."

Harry smiled then and didn't resist the urge to press a soft kiss to Louis' thin lips. On the menu there was peanut butter or ham and cheese sandwiches with a choice of apple or orange juice as a drink. Louis got ham and cheese with apple juice and Harry got ham and cheese with pineapple juice, served to them by a giggly nurse. Louis had turned the color of a ripe tomato when she winked at him and Harry chuckled at the way Louis' eyes widened when she handed him a small square packet. Once Harry's laughter calmed and Louis' cheeks turned their normal color, they both sighed happily and Louis got up to sit in Harry's lap.

Louis looked small and innocent curled up in Harry's lap. Louis realized he was no longer so broken and hurt, that maybe he could say he only had cracks now. They were big cracks, but not shattered pieces and that made Louis' chest concave with so many emotions of love and fear, he felt he couldn't breathe. Harry held him closer because as he's known for a while now, Louis is sensitive, that sometimes he needs to be calmed and promised to be kept safe. But this time the promises and soft kisses to Louis' neck didn't help, so instead he pressed his lips to Louis' and kept them there till Lou was kissing back. They'd kissed a lot in the last few weeks, but this was different, this was filled with more emotion and more lust than they'd ever felt. Louis kept everything in and when he let it out, it was like a tidal wave. So now, when the tidal wave came crashing down on Louis and threatened to pull him back under, he needed Harry to keep him up. Harry kissed him like there was no tomorrow, he held him close and squeezed Louis' hips just enough to prove he'll never let Louis go, so that there would be light bruises that showed Harry  _always_ had a tight grip. Harry would never let him drown again. 

It was no surprise that within the next two hours Louis was curled into Harry's side concluding that he couldn't move.

"Harry Styles, you have broken me."  

And Harry had just grinned from where he lay facing the other boy, squished against said boy and the edge of the bed. Harry would never admit that he too felt a little broken, his lower back hurt and his arms were still burning from hours of exertion of trying not to drop Louis, or squish him. He will admit that Louis is probably aching a lot more than him though. 

"Do you still have a dick?" Louis was asking with a sly smirk on his face, and slight flush to his cheeks.

"Don't know if I can feel it anymore, thats for sure." He wasn't lying, nor did he care because in all honesty he just wanted to sleep. Apparently Louis did too, because the next thing Harry knew there was a head of matted, sweaty hair lying on his chest and sooner than later the eyes belonging to that head were closed and soft breaths were lulling him to sleep.   

 


	7. Beautifully Imperfect

There was only a day left in the hospital, Louis didn't know whether he was excited or scared to leave, maybe it was both. He had been okay here. He still woke up and wondered if he wanted to be alive but then in came a clumsy Harry trying to balance coffees and pastries, and he knew he was okay with life. There were still days where he didn't talk and instead cried for his razor, there were still bad days where he needed Will Grayson Will Grayson and music to block out the world, but with this life came the realization that there would always be these days.  There was also days where he could slide down the halls in his socks while giggling, these were the days he survived for and these were the days Harry realized just how strong his boy was. 

 Harry would lay in his bed on the nights when he wasn't allowed to stay with Louis, he would wonder how he got from watching Lou from the back of english to holding him in a small hospital bed. He'll sometimes find himself laughing at how he used to think  'You'll find love when you least expect it' was a stupid saying. How can you just fall in love out of the blue? Well, apparently now he knows. You have to find a silent Louis Tomlinson and practically stalk him from the back of your english period. Harry's friends don't understand it either, they still doubt "Larry Stylinson" (apparently Harry and Louis are some "Gay OTP" and this is their ship name at school.) Liam and Niall told him that once Louis is out the hospital, he'll leave Harry and go back to being silent, so although Harry doesn't believe them he still can't shake the anxiousness he feels towards Louis leaving the hospital.  

 Louis' mum was worried too, of course she was happy for her 'little boy' to be home but she knew how he was and she'd noticed his nerves towards leaving. She was just worried about how the change would effect Louis, and maybe even Harry and Lou's relationship. The doubt and nerves didn't stop the fact that Lou had to leave the hospital and the doctors wanted him in a "normal environment" as soon as possible, which apparently was tomorrow. Jay had come to the hospital to drop some clothes off for tomorrow, since she wouldn't be the one picking him up (thanks to Harry,) and Louis had cried into her shoulder and told her how worried he was to lose Harry. When Harry had walked in minutes later and Lou made -what Harry liked to call- grabby hands, Jay knew they had no need to worry over this relationship. 

 The next day, Harry had an arm round Louis' waist, fingers tapping against his hip bone as Lou signed paper work for medications and various other things. Louis felt weighted down with nerves and Harry felt weighted down with the small body leaning on him for support, neither of them were complaining. After a fifteen minute drive they pulled up in front of Harry's house, Harry said he had something he wanted to show Louis as long as Louis didn't mind meeting his mum and sister. Louis walked behind Harry up the driveway and clung to his hand when they walked inside. Anne greeted them with a smile and soft words, Gemma on the other hand was bubbly and maybe a little over excited to meet Louis. "Harry talks about you all the time, guess you are as cute as he says you are" she said with a smirk not unlike her brother's and a wink in Harry's direction. Louis' face blushed crimson but Harry just chuckled and ushered his family away. Louis had stayed pretty quite the whole time and only nodded his head when he was asked if he wanted to see what Harry brought him here for. 

 So out they went to Harry's huge backyard, walking all the way to the back fence and trying to jump over, but Louis could't quite get there, he also couldn't suppress the giggle he let out when Harry hoisted him over the fence. After Harry had jumped the fence they walked a little way to a small stream and sat down in the long grass, there was a field of daisies to their left and fields of wheat in the other directions. Louis could spend the rest of his life here, or at least that was what he was thinking as he ran his fingers through his hair.

 He was thankful to be away from the cleanliness of the hospital, especially now he had the light breeze blowing in his face and the smells of outside surrounding him. He could say it smelt like 'fresh air and flowers' and that wouldn't be a complete lie, but it mostly smelt like dirt and muggy pond water. Louis remembers how he hated the sanitary smell of the hospital for one reason only, because the world isn't clean, the world is hateful and sad. Louis wasn't wrong thinking the world isn't all loving and happy but he wasn't completely right, fore the world is hateful and sad, but it can also be beautiful and gratifying. Louis found himself falling in love with the place he now sat in, beautiful and ugly at the same time, bad smells and good smells all in one. It was like a representation of Louis' life; imperfection in the most beautiful way.  

Louis let all the doubt of wanting to leave the hospital wash away, he let what tries to drown him instead drown his anxious thoughts. He thinks that this is probably the anti-depressants doing their job, but right now he's at ease and he doesn't care if it's medication or the outside air calming him. Instead he turns his attention to the lanky boy laying beside him, straddling Harry's long torso and smiling. It's not a smile to cover pain, it's a smile to say 'I'll be okay," and for once Louis believes he may actually be okay. He thinks that maybe he can come out of this, he hasn't completely pulled himself from the waves and sometimes he struggles to breathe but he'll find his way out. He knows he will have the boy who is now turning them over and kissing him sweetly. He knows he will have a body covered with scars and a mind filled with cracks, but he'll have also seen the world in a different way from everyone else. Beautifully imperfect. 

 


	8. Faded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

There was a lot of things Louis loved about Harry, like how he knew exactly what to say or when to not talk at all, just as Harry was doing now. They lay in the field cuddled up close, Harry letting Lou stare up at the clouds, let him think about whatever his mind was imagining, but Harry didn't have to speak to stop Louis' thoughts from drowning him. They worked because they knew what one another needed, they knew when to speak and when to hold each other quietly, when to give soft kisses or when to give each other space. They were like two puzzle pieces that fit together in every way. Tall and short. Calm and Sassy. Confused but whole and insightful but broken. Opposites that fixed each other's imbalances.

Louis thought that when he left the hospital everything would change, that Harry wouldn't feel pity for him (which he never did, but Louis thought so,) and that Harry would leave. Louis thought he would become a faded memory and his own world would go back to grey. But he was wrong, because Harry loved Louis just as much as Louis loved him. Sure, they had different points of views on what "love" was but that didn't stop them from feeling it. So there they lay in the field, wrapped up in each other and in love, until they were staring up at salt speckled skies, until Louis' eyes had fluttered closed and Harry had to drive him home. He laid Louis down in his bed with a soft kiss to his forehead, said a quick goodnight to Jay and then left. The next morning Louis woke with an odd feeling, it took him a moment to realize no curly haired boy would be in his hospital bed or kissing him awake with the promise of pastries, he was home now.

 After an hour of laying in bed while staring at his ceiling fan and thinking of how he liked the way Harry's hair curled around his ears like fluffy cotton balls, how he liked the way Harry's eyes glowed green, how much he liked it when Harry would laugh with his head thrown back, and how Harry was like his worse addiction. Worse than the cutting, worse than any drug or any drink. Harry was the worse addiction and instead of letting that thought scare him, Louis instead let it consume him and called it love. Louis' addiction came over after Louis had undergone a long talk with his mum, he knew she had to get it all off her chest so he went through it without a whine but he was sure glad when Harry took him back to the field of beautiful imperfections. 

"When I die, sprinkle my ashes here," Harry had said to Louis after a long kiss.

"And if I die before you, do the same for me," Louis had replied with, he was fairly certain his death would come before Harry's, or at least he hoped. 

Then came the silence and the thoughts of who would die first, neither of them knew but both hoped they died before the other. Louis thought that his expiration date would come soon, he always reminded himself that life was a timeline and his time was limited. Harry on the other hand didn't think his time was limited, he wanted to live a long life and he wanted to spend it with Louis. No one has that choice though and Louis has never been scared of death but the thought of living a life with out the boy who saves him from his own thoughts, yeah, that scares Louis. 

"We're not going anywhere, not me, not you. Got a long life ahead of us yeah?" Harry was a hopeful boy, always looking on the optimistic side.

"Yeah." Louis said with a smile, he wasn't sure, but he figured they were young and Harry had always been right. 

They went through the summer forgetting about death, or at least Harry did, they spent it with hugs and kisses and long nights staring at the stars. Summer was quickly coming to an end, and that meant stress on Louis. He wasn't looking forward to going to school, wasn't looking forward to the judgmental looks and the social anxiety. So there he sat, 2 days before summer was due to end, sobbing and shaking and thinking of nothing but blades. He called Harry, begging him to come over, which of course was a request Harry would never turn down. Harry's heart was beating quickly as he ran out to his car, his palms were sweaty as his gripped the steering wheel, and for an atheist he was praying a whole lot. Praying that his boy would be calm enough till Harry got to him. Louis waited, wondering how a five minute drive was taking thirty minutes, an hour and then came the call, "Louis, I think its best that you come down to the hospital," was all he heard Anne say before panic stricken cries were pulled from him. Jay tried to calm Louis, but she was not Harry, no one could replace Harry's arms, or his words and _HarryHarryHarry,_ he had to get to Harry _._  Jay drove him to the hospital, trying her best to stop the shaking that only got worse when Louis saw his Harry hooked to machines and IV's with cuts and bruises all over his body. Louis tried going into the room but the doctors stopped him, Louis will forever hate them for taking away precious time, they explained that Harry got in a bad accident, how he was awake but barely, and how Louis would have to calm himself before he stepped in. That only earned the doctors a "fuck you, don't tell me to be calm" and a very fragile boy pushing past them to get to Harry.

Louis sat down in the chair next to the bed, begging him not leave and feeling awfully selfish because Harry was in pain. He just wanted Harry to be okay. Wanting things never got him anywhere though, Harry was fading and Louis' world was losing it's color. Harry was trying so hard to keep his eyes open, wanted to have Louis' image burned into his eyelids, so when they closed for the last time Louis was the last thing he'd see. 

"I love you, no more breaking. Broken parts hurt too much." Harry's voice was raspier than usual, it sounded like his morning voice and Louis was grateful that he didnt sound pained, he sounded like the peaceful mornings they spent together.

"I'm already broken, don't worry about me. I'm okay. You'll be okay too." Each of Louis' words was stuttered and unsure, his world was caving in. 

"You're okay. Always be okay. Be okay without me?," And now Louis could barely breathe because Harry knew he was dying, Harry was the one with the short timeline. Louis could never be okay.

"You'll be in our beautifully imperfect place, just as promised" Louis didn't want to tell Harry he wasn't okay, didn't want Harry worrying about him, god knows Louis didn't want him gone but he did want him at peace.

Harry could only smile and silently ask Louis to kiss him, which was a request Louis would never turn down, a request he wished he could accept for the rest of his life. Harry spent the last minutes of his life with Louis curled up next to him, arm over Louis torso and it was like he was going to sleep for the last time, like he would wake up with Louis in his arms just to go to the field and spend all day there. Except this time he wouldn't be awake when he got to the field. 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 720+ reads! Also, sorry for not updating in so long, but ayyee now there's another chapter..sorry for killing him.  
> :(

     Louis used to think his life couldn't get worse, he used to think that death was his only chance of happiness. Harry had shown Lou that he didn't need to die to be happy, he simply had to start feeling alive. But now Harry was gone and Louis had no one to make him feel alive. So there he stood, listening to Anne drone on about how they should celebrate Harry's life, not morn his loss, and Louis could barely stand it. Why can't they morn his loss? They weren't gaining a life they had lost one. Why celebrate a life that barely got to live? Louis knew Harry deserved more time, he knew that there should have been a day many years down the road where Harry's life was celebrated. They would've celebrated his big achievements, celebrated how he made a family, and Louis would celebrate their long time love but all Louis can do now is morn their short-lived romance. When Anne told Louis that Harry would be buried, Louis lost it. That was not what Harry wanted, he wanted to be in their perfectly imperfect field and Louis wanted to be there with him. Louis screamed at Anne till she realized that Louis wouldn't give up until he got what Harry had wanted, once she realized that of course she allowed Harry to be cremated and of course she held Louis close while they cried.

     Soon came the day where Louis could barely drag himself out of bed, the day where he would really have to let go of his Harry. Louis found himself laughing at how he used to think his pain wouldn't get worse. This pain wasn't something you couldn't put on a scale, it wasn't a 1-10 pain, it wasn't a pain that alcohol and pills could fix, it was just pain. Physical and mental pain that would never be numbed for as long as he was alive.  He didn't even _feel_ alive anymore, it was like he was this wondering soul doing what he had to do for his boy until he could no longer function. He was getting this done though, before he knew it he was standing in the middle of their field, urn clutched to his chest. Family stood around but Louis felt alone, he closed his eyes and imagined the day Harry first brought him here, the day he got out the hospital and the day Harry made him feel like he may be okay. Louis knows now that he can't be okay. He knows his old mute-self would slap him for letting this happen, for opening his mouth and eventually letting Harry try and fix him. Loving Harry made Louis blind to the fact that love was just pain that a certain person could numb but when the person was gone, there was no stopping the pain.

     As Louis watched Harry's ashes disappear into the field, he remembered how Harry promised Lou that he would never let Lou's pieces blow away. Harry knew that Louis felt shattered and he had kept Louis in one piece, a piece full of cracks but together all the same. Louis couldn't help but feel as if he let Harry down, Harry kept Louis from blowing away but here Louis was letting Harry float off across the field. Once it was done, Louis could barely look at anyone, he did what he knew was expected of him. He knew that funerals were for the living, not for the dead, so he tried his best to please. By the time Louis got home he was exhausted, more mentally then physically, he locked himself in his room and curled up on his bed. He couldn't cry anymore, he could only sit and feel himself shatter completely, this time there was no one to piece him back together. Really, Louis didn't want to be pieced back together, he just wanted to be done. Done with pain and sadness, done with the guilt of not being there for Harry, he needed to be done before he went insane. Part of him thought he was already insane, he remembers being told that love makes you crazy, so does losing the one you love make you completely lose your mind? 

     Louis really felt he was insane when he walked into the bathroom, gripping his sink till his knuckles turned white and looked at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes didn't look as blue, loving Harry was like watching his life turn to color, but Harry's death turned everything dull, including his eyes. Louis' eyes flickered down to look at his lips, he remembered the feeling of Harry's lips against his own, remembering this was almost blissful. He realized that this was weird, that he was staring at a reflection he hated, and he was feeling bliss from memories, but for reasons unknown to him, it helped. He could imagine Harry's hands covering his own, willing him to loosen his grip on the sink, he could imagine Harry's lips on his temple, silently begging him to calm down. Even when Harry wasn't here, his memories and touches were forever imprinted on Louis. It's the only reason Louis is still breathing, the only reason he has the strength to crawl into bed and not die on the spot.

    All Louis could think of before he fell asleep was not images of Harry's face, it was not the memories they shared, it was just the words "he's in a better place." The words repeated themselves over and over in Lou's mind. Harry wasn't in a better place. You could argue that Harry wanted to be in the field, so surely his soul would be happy that it was where he lay at rest. And sure, Harry loved laying in the field with Louis. He loved the sunshine and he loved the breeze, he adored the soft kisses and cuddles that he shared with Louis. But that is exactly the point, he loved laying in the field as long as Louis was there, he loved feeling the breeze, the sun and most importantly he loved Lou's kisses. Could he feel that anymore? Could he lay with Louis? No. He was dead, no feeling, no emotion, no soft skin for the sun to touch or hair for the breeze to blow. Harry was most definitely in a beautiful place but he couldn't enjoy it, he was simply there. In fact, it wasn't even him. It was ashes. Don't think Louis is dumb though, he knew that by a "better place," people meant heaven and to say that this angered him further would be an understatement. Harry was in _their_ place, his soul was not floating around in the clouds all happy and cheerful. He was not ignorant enough to say there was most certainly not an after life. He knew it was his choice to believe there wasn't, and it was after much thought that Louis had concluded that there wasn't one, it was a backed up opinion.  Fore in Louis' mind, if there was some almighty being that made things better, would Harry be dead? Most certainly not.  

Maybe he thought of this instead of Harry because he knew that if he thought of Harry he wouldn't have strength to be carry on breathing, or maybe it was because he was trying to make sense of everything that had happened. Whatever the reason, Louis didn't figure it out before his eyes slipped closed. And maybe his sleeping mind drifted to thoughts of Harry, he couldn't control his dreams after all. 

    


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never choose death. If you have depression, if you are suicidal, if you feel like there's no point, don't give up. The point of this story was to show that life is beautiful but death is not. You may feel like death will bring you peace, but in the end, no one knows what death brings. Stay around to see the beauty that life will offer, if you don't see it yet, keep being strong because it will come one day. Anyone who is struggling right now, you are worth it.
> 
> Thank you for reading this fic, it means a lot! I'm sorry the end is so sad, but like I said, this is to show that death is not beautiful or romantic. xxxx

 Love had made Louis crazy, and death had brought him closer to insanity. Death happens in two ways, you either go willingly or unwillingly. There is many ways in which you go unwillingly, murder, death while sleeping, and much more. Then we have willingly, which simply means you knew death was your fate. Whether you take your own life or die of a long term illness, you knew it was coming and you have come to terms with the fact that you couldn't escape the angel of darkness. Louis knew his fate, he used to think his fate was Harry, that he would live out his life with Harry and dare he say it, he would be happy. But now, Louis knows his fate has always been death. Whether he likes it or not, he has always known there is only two cures for his illness, death or medicine. He knew love could only numb the pain, not cure it. Being the love-blinded fool he was, those thoughts escaped him, now they were back tenfold and they weren't going away. 

     Louis went willingly with the angel of darkness exactly one and a half weeks after Harry's death. He left the world silently, just as he had lived. There was no note, he couldn't explain everything he had ever felt, he could't explain every single thing that had brought him to this point, and he surely couldn't apologize for finding peace. Louis knew deep down that his mother wouldn't be one-hundred percent shocked, Louis knew she had seen him lose the color Harry had given his life, he knew that she saw the pain in his eyes, he could only hope that she didn't feel guilty. When Louis' ashes were sprinkled, there were tears from people who barely knew him, and everyone thought it sadly romantic that he was in the same field as Harry. "Two lovers put back together with death, it's agonizingly beautiful," leave it to naive humans to find the romance in death. These people decided Harry and Louis would be together in the afterlife, that there was some love tying bond that kept them together. If people really thought about what they were saying, they would realize that it is most likely the two boys aren't together, because maybe there is no afterlife. There may not be any spirits in the clouds, and maybe not even in the field. There may not be any almighty being that would allow Harry and Louis to find each other. And if they were really smart, if they really thought about Louis' death, they would know that Louis didn't die just to be with Harry.  

     Louis didn't leave just because Harry died, that played a big part, but it took more than death. Louis was a depressed teen boy, losing the one he loved was what pushed him past shattering point, but it wasn't what first broke him. Louis had depression, it was a mental issue, it was an illness as Louis called it. Depression is not a phase, it is not a trend, it's not something you simply get over. Louis wouldn't describe depression in any other way than drowning. He would always say depression is the ocean and your thoughts are what drown you. At the end of his life, however, he was more of a broken flower. You see, people can be saved from drowning but a broken flower is fragile and can not survive without someone to nurse it back to health. People that didn't know Louis did not seem to realize that, they figured Louis had suddenly broken, that Harry dying caused Louis to take his life. Maybe it make's it easier for people to believe that this death was all in the name of love, so they can find something good in the problem. But optimism is not appropriate in this case, because there is nothing good to come from depression.  There is nothing romantic about suicide and Louis didn't die to be romantic, he died to feel at peace, which is only sad. Suicide only bring's grief, as does as any death. The worst part of suicide, is the fact that some people are so numb, so overcome by demons that they feel death is the only way for peace. So say it again, say Louis' death was agonizingly beautiful, say he died for love but really death has no romance. No beauty. Louis knew this, even through the thoughts of Harry's death he knew he was not dying for Harry, he was dying because he couldn't take anymore pain.

     Louis also knew his love story was beautiful. He knew death flawed the beauty, but when you looked past that, you saw there could not have been more beauty in a love than there was in Louis'. Fore in the beginning of his love story there was a boy that watched him from the back of English, that boy had curly hair, a dimpled smile, and was flawed but entirely magical. The boy had always been good at watching, at seeing the wonders that Louis held under the scared outer layer, he saw the demons too but he could look past them. Everything but death has something beautiful under what seems to be only ugly. You just have to look past what seems to be all there is. Like seeing a way out of a dark that seems to be consuming you, like seeing the color in a world that seems to be only grey. The boy had taught Louis to see, which in turn brought color to Louis' life. By the middle of his love story, the boy had taught Louis that trying to live instead of just survive was what made life worth his while. He proved to Louis that he could go through life just existing as he was, or he could take the boy's hand and really live. At the end of his love story, Louis learnt that his boy was right; looking, loving, and living made even a short life worth it all. That boy was Harry Styles, and that boy never cured Louis, but he kept Louis together till they were both gone. 

    In the end, there is only two ways to cure an illness, death and medicine. Louis chose death, but he will never regret letting love numb the pain.  

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first larry fan fiction, this is my own prompt. I wanted to show depression in the way it really is, not the glorified way instagram, tumblr blogs and this society have made it seem. I know there are a lot of fans in this fandom/ship that are struggling right now, and I wanted to show you are not alone. You may still feel lonely, but you are not alone. Also, I figured the best way to get my view on depression is to show it to people who understand what I'm saying and can appreciate my words while still being interested in the fan fiction. If you think you could be triggered by this, please don't read.I don't want to be the reason you felt the need to cut. Also, if something I say offends you, please tell me and I'll either explain to you what I meant if you interpret it wrong or take it down. xxx  
> You may know me from ask-me-larry so if you came from there than message me or comment/leave kudos. Thank you for reading(:


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